To Alex, With Love

This year, I did something that was kind of a big deal.

I have a horrible personality combo, namely: I am very ambitious & very impatient. Something I think we can all agree not a happy marriage makes. In 2008, I took up a project. Without too much detail, I was to write a grant proposal for a decently prestigious award.

I failed.

I didn't get the award--we fell flat & more deserving folks won.

A year later, wiser & roused by my own competitiveness I was determined. For months I labored. I researched this group--chose every single word meticulously & edited, re-edited & preened until my proposal was goddamn near flawless. Months passed and then this April the moment of zen: the email that read the project has been selected & you have been awarded funds for your proposal.

Except it wasn't mine, at least not on paper. Through boring & complicated circumstances I will suffice to say that I am part of a team & I wrote this proposal under the name of my (really & truly great) boss. I thought it wouldn't matter that my personal effort would be nowhere to be found. I thought the joy would be in the triumph & it turns out I was right. And also wrong.

This Monday an enormous ceremony celebrating our victory will take place. It will be a completely VIP event. I'm not interested in lime-light--too afraid of failing front & center to like that--but I don't mind being close & there's no doubt I poured blood, sweat & tears into this project. I'll be on vacation during the ceremony so not even a hint of recognition will be cast my direction. In my morning meeting today my boss & I had a conversation about the words she will speak before accepting the award.

'Well, I think you should thank folks responsible, like the office that supported the groundwork,' I said, speaking about folks in an office that works closely with our own.

'Absolutely--I mean, first I want to thank you--you wrote the thing, though of course I can't acknowledge that publicly...'

And it hit me. One, that my ego is possibly the size of a small-ish country & that two, I felt robbed of an opportunity to celebrate something kind of big for myself. I didn't walk during my college graduation, I didn't have a big wedding...I have historically involved little fanfare in my personal 'accomplishments'...but this felt big. And I wanted to celebrate it. And I couldn't...I can't.

It hurts. I wish it didn't. But it does.

So.

I can't do anything about it, directly. But I can acknowledge me. That I did it--that I did good. So, this Monday while the 'important folks' are lining up in the Founder's Gallery nibbling on sausage balls & sipping coffee, I am going to drive to the driftwood beach near our vacation resort. I am going to be as dramatic as I please and by God, speaking to a bunch of sea turtles if I have to, I am going to give my acceptance speech. For me. I am going to put this back into the Universe where it came from & believe that somehow, it was...that it is meaningful.

Check back Monday.